Encouraging them to seek help
When having conversations revolving around seeking professional help, it’s important that you remember the following points:
- Be prepared to have a disagreement: They might want to take their time and not seek help immediately. This does not mean they will never seek help, it just means everyone recovers at their own pace.
- Do not threaten them: You might be tempted to give an ultimatum, such as “If you don’t seek help, then I will stop being your friend/girlfriend/boyfriend.” You might want to force them to stop self-harming or seek treatment. While you think this might help them find motivation to seek help, this is very harmful and will put them in further distress.
- Be understanding: This can make such a difference for someone who is struggling with self-harm. The stigma around self-harm can create a lot of shame for the person struggling with self-harm, in addition to the distress that causes self-harm in the first place. Acknowledging their situation and letting them know that self-harm does not change the way you see them will give them relief.
- Don’t make assumptions about their condition or difficult situation(s) in life: You might know a lot about this person, but they know themselves the best. Avoid saying things like “You must be self-harming because of ____”
- Listen to what they have to say: A lot of the time, people just want someone to listen and validate their experience. Avoid talking over them, and acknowledge their thoughts and feelings.
- Be mindful of the place and time of conversation: Avoid bringing up sensitive topics in inappropriate places. For example, do not bring up self-harm in a crowded place where everyone can hear your conversation. If the person you want to talk to seems busy, stressed or tired, it is probably best to wait until they are in a better mood.
- Understand that there is only so much you can do: As a carer, it is important to keep in mind that, although you can help them massively, their recovery is NOT your responsibility. It’s easy to feel like you haven’t done enough, but blaming yourself isn’t healthy, and isn’t going to help them recover.
If they won’t talk to you
If they won’t open up to you, it’s likely that they are not ready to talk to you. If that happens, please:
- Do not be forceful: Don’t force them to open up if they don’t want to. Doing so can make them feel uncomfortable around you, which may lead to them avoiding this topic around you or even around other people they are comfortable with.
- Tell them they can talk to professionals: If they won’t open up to you, tell them that they are not alone and can arrange to talk to professionals such as doctors, psychologists,therapists, or (school) counselors.
- Remind them that they can always talk to you: Tell them that if they decide to talk to you in the future or when they are ready, you are always there to talk.
- Respect their privacy and boundaries: Understand that they may need space and may not be ready to share their struggles. If they don't feel ready to talk or open up, respect their space and let them know you’re there when they are ready, without pressuring them. This shows that you care and that you’re offering non-judgmental, unconditional support.
- Give them time to open up and recover: They are not always going to immediately tell you everything and recovery might be a slow process, as well. Let them take their time to heal, and support them throughout.
Practical ways to support them
This is a list of things you can do outside of emotional support, which you can do for a person who struggles with self-harm. It might seem simple, but these things immensely help someone in recovery.
- Discuss if you can do something that helps lessen self-harm: You can help them formulate a safety plan that includes you. For example, you can put your number in the “Who can I call?” section, or discuss other things that they think can help, and put them in the “What could others do that would help?” section.
- Research on professional help available: If you have time, you can do additional research on the types of help available where you live, or even look for ones that specialise in self-harm.
- Accompany them to appointments: First appointments might be nerve-wracking, so it would be helpful to have company.
- Prompt them to take any prescribed medication or do therapy homework: If they have been prescribed medication, it would be helpful to remind them to take it on time. Therapy may include homework as well, which you can help remind them to do on time.
- Ask if they need help with chores: If you have time, it can mean the world for those who self-harm to have help around the house during tough times.
- Help them formulate a safety plan: If they haven’t already made a safety plan, you can prompt them to make one with you.
- Assist in creating a list of healthier alternatives and coping strategies: Help them identify and create a list of healthy coping strategies and alternative activities they can turn to when they feel the urge to self-harm.
- Encourage doing self-care activities when alone or together: Suggest activities that promote relaxation and mental wellbeing, such as engaging in hobbies that bring them joy, physical exercises, and/or journaling.
- Check in regularly: Offering consistent emotional check-ins, even if just a simple "How are you today?" can remind them they have support and are not alone in their journey. It also provides a safe, reassuring space for their thoughts and feelings to be validated, even if you don’t fully understand them.
- Offer distractions and check-ins regularly: Sometimes, just offering a distraction or quality time together can help someone step away from their self-harm urges. Whether it’s going on an outing, watching a movie together, or simply chatting about shared interests, distractions can provide much-needed relief.
