Everyone struggling with self-harm is different, and what one person finds offensive, another may not. However, this guide highlights statements that may seem harmless but can actually be hurtful to someone who self-harms.
What to say/do:
- Assure them that you will not judge: Let them know that you will not look down or criticise what they would like to share, and that they are allowed to be vulnerable around you. You are there for them with non-judgmental, unconditional support.
- Show that you care: Let them know that you care about how they feel, and that it affects you knowing that they are struggling.
- Respectful curiosity: This approach involves a genuine interest in understanding their feelings and experiences, while ensuring your curiosity is met with kindness and respect. Before asking questions, it’s important to ask for permission, such as, “I want to understand and support you better — can I ask a few questions?” Although direct questions may feel invasive, it’s important to prioritize emotional honesty and create a safe space for them to navigate their emotional distress, as long as it’s done calmly. Remember to thank them for sharing whatever they feel ready to, and express encouragingly that — despite the difficulty of discussing self-harm — open and honest communication can be powerful and healing. Yet if they choose not to share, it's important to manage your own emotional reactions and let go of the need to control the conversation. This allows you to respect their boundaries and accept their response with humility.
- Acknowledge their feelings: Let them know that you are listening, and that whatever they are feeling and thinking is valid and should not be suppressed.
- Be calm and present: Don’t panic or be overly emotional. Staying calm and actively listening helps them feel heard and helps them feel comfortable sharing their struggles. Your presence and attentiveness can create a supportive environment for them to feel safe, valued, and understood while they are navigating through their underlying distress.
- Remind them of their strengths: Tell them that they are more than just their self-harming tendencies.
What not to say:
- Don’t compare: Saying things like “This person has it worse than you, but they don’t self-harm” or “Think about the people out there that have horrible lives” might be tempting as a way to motivate them to recover. However, this is incredibly harmful and often triggering as it provokes guilt and makes one feel like they are not allowed to feel their emotions and underlying distress.
- Don’t judge: It might be that the first things coming to your mind about people who self-harm are labels like “weak” and “overly-sensitive”. These thoughts are unfair — understand that everyone responds differently to struggle, and that humans naturally feel resultant emotions. When someone who struggles with self-harm is opening up to you, they are vulnerable and the last thing they need is someone making them feel worse than they already do.
- Don’t try to solve everything: Of course you can help research and suggest professionals, or offer tips to lessen the urge to self-harm. However, don’t act as if your solutions will solve everything, and accept it if they say your solutions don’t work. Don’t worry, as their recovery is not your responsibility.
- Don’t force them to stop: Recovery is often a slow process. Give them time to figure things out and recover at their own pace, as that is the best way for recovery to last long.
- Don’t make it about you: Opening up about self-harm is difficult and puts one in a very vulnerable situation. Talking about self-harm is incredibly stressful, so saying things like “Your self-harm makes me feel so horrible.” or “Don’t you think about how your actions make other people feel?” puts more stress and makes them feel unheard and unsupported.
- Don’t downplay their situation: Their struggles, however minuscule they seem to you, have driven them to the point of harming themselves. No matter how irrational or trivial it may seem, it is undoubtedly an incredibly hard situation for them. Remember, everyone has different levels of tolerance to stress, and everyone deserves to feel their emotions.
- Don’t ask to see their self-harm marks: This is incredibly invasive and is likely to make them feel uncomfortable or embarrassed due to the stigma surrounding self-harm. It is important to help maintain trust and allow them to share only what they feel ready to.
- Don’t promise things you cannot fulfill: It’s tempting to promise them that you will always take them to every single doctor's appointment, or that they can call you at any time of the day, to make them feel better. However, if you can’t fulfill these promises, you have given them false hope which will make them less trusting of you. Be realistic about what you can offer and communicate openly about your limitations, so they can rely on you without expectations that may not be feasible or discouraging
